I had a realization this week...
I forgot how to dream.
Not in a “close my eyes and find myself on a desert island” type of dream, but a long-term, planning sort of way. In a set goals and crush them sort of way. See, when you live each day having zero idea what, or if, the next one brings, you get into the zone of just living day by day.
Great.
Wonderful.
I wish I could do that, you think.
Self-help books tell you not to worry about tomorrow. Your church ladies will tell you (and I’m one of those) that God already has your steps figured out, but friend- when you aren’t even moving it makes little difference who drew your map, BECAUSE YOU AREN’T EVEN USING IT.
It is not about direction- or lack thereof. It isn’t about worry.
It is about goals, hopes, and dreams.
We NEED them and when we forget how, we have to find something else to fill up that space.
Picture this: A woman in a boat just cruising through life, crushing it. Suddenly, because she wasn’t paying attention to where she was going she hits a rock and her boat starts to take on water. So, she starts bailing frantically trying to keep afloat. Every day, all day, all she does is bail. She never looks up to see where she’s going. So, she tears more and more holes in her boat. She is so afraid of sinking that the bailing consumes her. All the while, if she had only looked up, she would’ve realized that she was only in 2 feet of water.
That’s my last 12 years in a nutshell. That rock, my illness, tore the bottom right out of things. It became all consuming. It became ingrained in every fiber of my being and it over shadowed everything I did.
I have bailed and bailed and I cannot get ahead, but maybe I’m not supposed to.
Maybe instead, I’m supposed to look around and see that I am surrounded by the most beautiful scenery. Maybe I’m supposed to let that boat sink and get off the darn river and start enjoying the sandy beaches. I don’t know where my map may lead me, but what I do know is who authored it. I do know I’m done missing out on making something of my journey because I’m so busy bailing.
Aren’t we all struggling to not be consumed by something?
Haven’t we all experienced something that either attempted to or actually accomplished tearing the bottom out of our boat?
Illness
Addiction
Death
Finances
(Insert your rock here)
What is filling your boat, friend? Are you really at risk or are you just creating work? And if you stop bailing and look around what do you think you will see?
Hi. I’m Jen-
a small town, Oklahoma girl married to a superhero. Together, we are raising a family on second chances, shiplap, and a shoestring.
I am a firm believer in grace, organization, and efficiency. I find great satisfaction in taking broken items and giving them new life, likely because that is exactly what God did for me.
I over use the word shine, exclamation points, and emojis. I cheer too loud in the stands of my kids’ activities and hug more than is socially acceptable. A natural born encourager and armchair warrior, I am learning to redefine my mission field and make the most of each day I am given.
I am chronically ill and chronically positive- not necessarily in that order. I am learning to practice perseverance over perfection and long for the day I get to see my grandparents and Jesus’ face.
Until then, I am just looking for Grace in the Grind.
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